The breakdown of people who have been through a lot and only likes to see themselves as a tough one.

PART 1

I have always known/felt that deep down I have always been sensitive, emotional, helpless, weak, and succumbed to fate.
With everything that has happened, it made me feel it/that way, even more, but I didn’t like it. I didn’t want to feel that way.
Even if I would have accepted these feelings, it wouldn’t have helped. Eventually, I would have felt ‘hurt’. Hurting is where going away from them (feelings/situations or people who remind or project the same feelings onto oneself) starts. Hurting reminds us that there are these feelings, it’s there and there is nothing you can do about them.
So I started rejecting these feelings, avoiding them, telling myself otherwise, and feeling other emotions to control them (mostly anger). The far the better, so everything that took me even further i.e. being crazy angry, avoiding emotions, and being/reaching a certain traumatizing psychotic state was all fine, in fact, a better and much more powerful place to be.
At all miserable times, at first, I started to accept this entire situation I got in as fate, whatever happens, happens. Until I could no more until it started and eventually successfully manage to break me again and again, over and over again to dust. I couldn’t be ‘me’ anymore. So I had to bring in necessary changes that in a manner evolved me (at least to the particular crisis I was facing). So much so, I wanted to hurt myself too, not just others, not just me; directly or by doing things the consequences of which showed the possibility of haunting the rest of my life in many different ways. Maybe, that’s what evil is, you go too far away from yourself.

PART 2

And what is to be blamed?

Maybe what it is showing is the scale of how life can turn, it has the possibility of pure magnificent and pure evil at the same time. However, not all good is all good, if the intention is to change things to pure magnificent. Surprisingly, sometimes the best comes from the worse, unbelievable but acceptable. Comfort, for example, may turn people into simply lazy but it’s not snatching it away that brings productivity either, now, bringing one to the better extent of the scale is definitely not something that can be controlled. But the way to be on the favorable side to the best possible extent is to make your mind at ease, moving towards appreciating oneself, altogether making the world a better place to be in, in your mind. However, if the desire is to reach to the worse extent possible, we already are there.